Who says seniors can't use the Internet? From the mind of senior Jonathan Hemlock comes his life philosophy for seniors blog, offering hilarious observations about getting old and just what to do about it.
Adventures in problem solving
Hemlock answers your questionsBiography:Jonathan Hemlock was born in a house he helped his father build. This is a lie. A midwife delivered him. He came into the world quietly. He was immediately held upside down and slapped. It stung. He cried. This seemed to make everybody happy, so he continued doing it for the next two years. But that's another story.Jonathan started school when he was five. The first day, he cried, kicked and screamed. The next day things were much better. He only cried. The third day a fellow student requested that he not cry any more or she would beat the crap out of him. He was immediately smittened by the girl named Terry. She became his protector. He wanted to marry Terry when he got old enough. Terry just laughed and said, "not gonna happen." Terry's companion, Pat, agreed. But that's another story.Jonathan graduated from high school to the amazement of almost everyone. (when he got 74 on his IQ test he thought he did really well, thinking that a passing grade was 65.) He went to college where he was required to hand in papers, do things with books, look through microscopes, stand up and make speeches. Jonathan deferred from doing these tasks. He decided to memorize the student directory which was a much more profitable venture. Jonathan didn't actually memorize everyone, just the important people. The important people who frequented the Central Valley Tavern, The local college watering hole. People would be shocked that Hemlock knew who they were, where they lived, what classes they were taking. They would buy him a beer or two. It was great. But that's another story.His social life was wonderful and strangely he passed all his courses except for his nemesis, math.College life was not for Hemlock. He wanted to go to the College of Life. What a mistake.Who knew the College of Life would have such courses as toilet bowl cleaning, ditch digging, garbage pick ups, talking to all sorts of miserable human beings.Jonathan did learn Computer Accounting, Bookkeeping, Psychology, Sociology, Word Processing, Excel, Access, Photoshop and Janitorial Technologies. But that's another story.He has become a mystery writer, still unpublished. His main character's name is Colt Brandisher; in the current story, Colt is about to be killed in the first paragraph and Jonathan hasn't figured a way out of it.So far, Jonathan has been a criminal profiler, a mosaic artist, a hoarder of used toilet paper, advice columnist, editorial writer, philosopher, and solver of dilemmas. But that's another story, especially the part about hoarding used toilet paper.ASK JONATHANFirst question: From Mr. B.O. in D.C.:Why is my hair turning gray while the rest of me is staying the same?*To answer your second question first, you are the president of the United States and second your hair is not gray. It is black and white, like you. There are no gray hairs in your head, only white and black.From Dr. Ben Carson:Did I make a boo-boo when I talked about the gay/prison thing?*Gosh Ben, I believe you did. Didn't you learn anything from Scott Walker. He has no opinion on anything. It is better to keep quiet and let people think you're a fool than to speak up and erase all doubt.From the Republican Party:Why do people laugh when I talk?*Because you say stupid stuff. (see above)From the Democratic Party:Why do people laugh when I talk?*See aboveFrom Sven from Sweden:My wife is American. She keeps referring to the roof of her mouth. Does she mean the ceiling of her mouth? I looked in her mouth while she was sleeping. She has a ceiling not a roof. The roof would be on top of her head. Am I right?*Wrong Sven, but what can you expect from people who rejected the metric system and elected George Dubbaya twice and elected Jimmy the peanut farmer.Biff from Beverly Hills wants to know:Are there any white girls named Laqueisha?*No.Queen Elizabeth of England queried:A priest, an alcoholic, an Irishman, and a pedophile go into a bar. What does the bartender say?*"What will you be drinking tonight, Monsignor?"William Cosby, formerly of Philadelphia enquires:Would any of you ladies reporters like some liquid refreshment in my bedroom? Yikes!!!!*"You didn't know Barbra Walters was there, did you, William?" Biff from Beverly Hills wants to know:Are there any Afro-American couples with the name Biff and/or Buffy?*NoMike L. from upstate NY wants to know:What do you think of the idea of changing a team's name like the Washington Redskins to something less offensive?*Good question, Mike!!! I think you have to be very careful if you change the name. My high school team changed their name from the Cheever Red Chiefs to the Cheever Chickadees. That happened 8 years ago. They didn't win again until this year. They beat the Taylorville Titmouses in football, but were stomped by the Hammond Pond Hummingbirds the very next week. Apparently chickadees do not inspire great sports teams.As for the Washington Redskins why change it. Let's stick with the current theme in Washington where everything is offensive. Mother Goose queried:Hey….I never said Humpty Dumpty was an egg. Where does it say that?*Ummm!……by God, the old hag is right.Adam and Eve interject:"While we are on the subject, no apple! no snake! Who's spreading this propaganda?"*Ah! again…I have no idea where this stuff is coming from, ask Moses how many chickadees he has on the ark.Dave D. of Vermont wants to know:"Jonathan, do you play any sports?"*"Yes, I play goal for the Manchester Untied Dyslexic Football Meat."Biff from Beverly Hills wants to know:Are there…*We're done, Biff!…We're so done.Any future inquiries should be sent to wikipedia, google or Kanye West. (They know everything)
The Hemlock agency (Profiler extraordinaire)
J. HemlockProfilerStreet addressCity, State, ZipHemlock muttering:"Hmmm! let's see how this looks. I certainly don't want bad fonts.This looks okay. I will finish it and send it to the printer."Little French Lady interjects: (looking over Hemlock's shoulder.)"What now, Sherlock?"JH; "Profiling. I am starting a new career. I can do this. I have read two books by John Douglas, the famous FBI profiler and one by Pat Brown. Douglas profiled the Green River killer and the killer was caught."LFL: "Yeah, they caught him, I'll give you that. It took over 30 years and he slaughtered half the state of Washington."JH:"What about Pat Brown, the female profiler?"LFL:"I read her book, The Profiler. Everyone she profiled is still walking the street."JH: "The wheels of justice turn slowly."LFL: "So who killed JFK?"JH: "Hitler! Shave that mustache, who do you have? Lee Harvey Oswald, that's who!"LFL:"Who killed Oswald, Sherlock?"JH:" Elementary, Watson…umm, it was Jegdar Hover. Clearly the body shape of this so called Jack Ruby is identical to Jegdar Hover.LFL: (rolling eyes) "Jegdar Hover? Who's that?"JH: "He is the crossdressing butterball who was director of the FBI."LFL: "Oh…You mean J. Edgar Hoover."JH: "What…ever! Hey, did you know that the FBI has almost as many fingerprints as KKA?"LFL: "KKA?" JH: "Kim Kardashian's ass!"LFL: "Are you working on any new cases, Inspector Clouseau?"JH: "I am. I am sending some information to the FBI about the Finkleburg suicide."LFL: "Suicide? I thought this guy was beheaded and both his hands and feet were cut off. How can that be a suicide? IT WAS MURDER!!!"JH:"I haven't worked out all the details yet, but it was suicide. I know people"LFL:"You are so obtuse and clueless. Remember the incident at the beach gazebo Monday. You soiled yourself when the big black guy dressed in black sneezed. You ran up the beach hollering "Serial Killer, serial Killer." You almost created an incident. A profiler indeed."JH: "How did I know he was a black Catholic priest. That does not exclude him from being a serial killer or a pedo guy."LFL:"OMG!!!!!…give it up!"JH: "Hell, no! I am good at this profiling thing. See that guy walking down the street. I will profile him. He is a fisherman who is gay. He has an artificial limb and he talks with a lisp. He drives a 1965 Kharman Ghia and his hobby is killing squirrels. He is going to the beach to get rid of the body he has in that white bag he is dragging behind him."LFL: "Oh, that wasn't too bad. Yes, He is a fisherman. That is our neighbor Kevin going fishing. I think the fishing pole was a clue there. Everything else…wrong! The white bag with the body is actually his dog, Meg. He is taking Meg fishing. His wife, Wendy will be surprised to find out that he is gay and has an artificial limb."JH: "Profiling is not an exact science. You don't hit the bullseye every time. I think I am due for another eye exam."LFL: "Well, Charlie Chan. You had better find another career. Perhaps you can become an internet troll. You know nothing about profiling. You can't even define profiling."JH:"Sure I can. When you see an Irish guy….think of a drunk. A Jewish guy….cheap. A Chinese guy…smart. An Arab guy….terrorist. Do you want me to go on?"LFL:"No, no!! You're…..unbelieveable!!!!…You should consider psychotherapy."JH: "Can you take classes for that? I may be too old to start. Maybe next semester."
TIME TO HIT THE PUBLISH BUTTON?
I started to journal a year ago.April 1, 2014 (Journal entry)I awoke this morning with a cranium packed with mirthful schemes to make this an exciting April fools day. (I wonder if people are going to buy this story? I just won't mention to anyone that it is August 20th.)Perhaps I will do the old "dog poop in a bag" trick. This could be problematic. We do not have any paper bags. We have plastic bags. We always used to be asked "paper or plastic?" The clerk doesn't ask any more. The groceries are shoved into a thin plastic bag which disintegrates half way to your car.The LFL (little french lady) decided to smear the doggie doo all over our neighbors door handle. This is actually more efficient. My back up plan was to paint his house with a new shade of paint called limburg cheese. When it dries in the sun…yum, yum!!We will go with my plan.You cannot buy this at Sherwin Williams.I will report the results in my next journal entry. Tomorrow…..April 2nd.August 20,2014 (oops), April 2nd, 2014 (Journal entry)Ummm…I forgot to factor in the wind with the Limburg cheese…ummm paint. It doesn't smell good especially in the heat. I should have remembered this from college. Someone put Limburg cheese on the radiators in the communal shower room in the dorm. No one took showers for weeks. The Agricultural students were not even allowed into the dorm. They already were stinky.We have rented a motel for a few weeks or until the essence abates.April 3rd, 2014 (Journal entry)I am sitting here drinking my morning coffee and reading the paper. I read that they have the Ebola virus under control in West Africa. The Israeli and the Palestinian are getting along well and since the American left Iraq everything is running like a well oiled machine. Well…finally some good news!!!April 4th 2014 (Journal entry)Some nights I have trouble sleeping. I think about things. Since the Limburg incident my wife (LFL) has been cooking strangely, but this morning she has explained her logic.We have been eating beans, pickled eggs, cabbage, bananas, prunes, broccoli and cauliflower to name a few items."Why?", I queriedThe little french lady reasoned: If we can't get rid of the Limburg cheese smell, we can use it as subterfuge to get rid of our flatulent inducing foods. I like the way this lady stinks thinks. She also mentioned a couple of benefits from this. We are heating our house with gas this week and we haven't had many visitors. The Jehovah Witnesses did not stay long at all. They just kinda threw a Watchtower at us and ran. I hollered, "Bless You."The wife always said, "When life give you a lemon make lemonade."We did.April 5th, 2014 (Journal entry)Speaking of subterfuge, it is getting more difficult to fool my wife. I have told her I was journaling every day. I haven't written a word in about 130 days. Hmmm, maybe I shouldn't write this into my fake journal.I have been doing things. I have read a whole bunch of books. Most of them don't have pictures. I have my socks all rolled and my underwear and T-shirts have never looked neater. I put them in color order after I ironed them. The LFL doesn't like flatirons. I do. Sometimes I am a tad obsessive compulsive. I once asked the guy who was in charge of the cemetery how much work it would be to put the grave stones in alphabetical order. He said, "A lot. You would have to dig up all the bodies."But not really. Who would know? Who would care? I had him thinking for a few minutes. So I have been doing things that require deep thought.April 6th 2014 (Journal entry)I have been thinking about my autobiography. I think I will have someone write it for me. LFL says "No, That will be a biography." I told her I will call my friend, Stephen King. He will help me.She said, "Good luck with that one." I decided not to call. I may need some help at some point.I can't call my friend, Stuart Woods. We're not on speaking terms. Never were. I asked him to help me out of a writing dilemma. (My main character, Colt Brandisher, has a bullet racing towards his head in the first paragraph.) He actually emailed me and said, "You got yourself into this, get yourself out."Thanks, big boy!! Colt is as good as dead.April 7th 2014 (Journal entry)My OCD is acting up again. I cannot read a book without putting every word in alphabetical order and I demanded to the LFL that my alphabet soup only have vowels. It is slow going. I have washed the cat three times today. I am ready to wash her again but I can't find her. I am trying to get the LFL to become a lawyer. We watch Judge Judy and the Peoples Court every day. She has learned a lot about the law in the USA. The problem with LFL is; She would have many of these people executed for stupidity. She could probably do the Doctor Phil show too. We often turn each other and ask, "Where do they find these people? Crazies!!!!!I think I am getting caught up on my blogging.I would love to write more but I have used up my supply of vowels for the day. Gxttx gx!!!
- Feb 14, 2015 It is what it is…and other meaningful thoughts.
- Feb 07, 2015 Can you hear me now? NO?
- Dec 31, 2014 The unmaking of the bed.
- Dec 30, 2014 The Victim's Club
- Dec 25, 2014 Reading list 2014
- Mar 30, 2014 Sex, lies, no videotape meme
- Mar 26, 2014 I miss 1957.
- Feb 17, 2014 Meeting "Pegleg"
- Feb 11, 2014 The dream
- Jan 30, 2014 A heroic rescue
- Jan 24, 2014 Bullets in my head.
- Dec 31, 2013 2013 Hemlock year in review